Thursday, June 10, 2010

My lifeline...

I knew when I got pregnant with Addison that my life was going to change dramatically. I knew life would no longer revolve around me or Daniel and that everything we had, both physically and emotionally, would go into raising this little girl.

I will be the first to tell you that I have had my moments of utter despair with this little girl. Those moments where I just want to lay her in her bed and shut the door on her crying and screaming just so I can go into my room and shut the door and sob out of defeat. I quickly remind myself though that three years ago I was sobbing in my room thinking that we would never become parents. That feeling of defeat is one I could never describe to you and one that you would never understand unless you have experienced it first hand. I catch myself holding her and looking deep into her eyes and it has still not fully sunk in that this little girl, this bundle of absolute joy standing on my lap is mine...all mine, and Daniel's to by the way. I conceived this child, I carried this child within me for ten long months, and what still blows my mind is that this child actually came out of my body, naturally...with the help of a few drugs. Will it ever sink in that I don't have to give her back? That her Mommy won't be by later to pick her up?

Since creating this particular blog and becoming a Mommy I have been more fascinated by the other thousands of blogs out there dedicated to families/children by women. I have been witness to amazing birth stories, birthdays, and rights of passage into transitioning from a baby to a child. I have also stumbled by what seems like so many blogs announcing illness and death in these very women's young babies and children. I am reminded on a daily basis just how blessed I am and how fortunate that I was to be able to successfully carry Addison for ten months knowing that in the end she would be healthy. I am reminded of this because of this family and their newest bundle Cohen. Two days after his birth and after several months of knowing that he had a broken heart, he underwent open heart surgery. I cry for this family just thinking about it and I cry knowing that their situation could have easily been our situation. The thought of Addison going through such a traumatic experience so soon after birth is traumatizing to me. The thought alone of something happening to my baby sends me into a tailspin. The thought of her being broken and me not being able to fix her is one of the most terrifying things I think I could ever experience and I pray every single day that it is one I will never have to go through.

Like I said above, I knew my entire emotional being would be focused around Addison but never until I stumbled upon Cohen and his families blog did I know just how big of a deal that would be. I would die for my child and I would kill for my child, that is how deep my emotions run concerning her. My love for Addison is unmeasurable and borderline obsession. I know deep down inside that no matter how much I love my husband and my family, I will never love anyone, not even them, as much as I love this little girl and her future siblings.

I have gone from being concerned about my own self being and existing in the world in which we are currently living, to being scared of what I may have done to my daughter by giving birth to her. Will she enjoy the freedoms and the luxuries that we have taken for granted...twenty, even thirty years from now? The thought of her suffering at the hands of this often times cruel world scares me and upsets me. I wish we lived in the land of lollipops and cupcakes overshadowed by sunshine and rainbows but alas we don't. I can only hope that ten, twenty, heck even sixty years from now she can still open her front door without the fear of death, of being able to watch her children play in their front yard, and of always being able to obtain the proper nourishment and medical needs.

Lord how I love this child! I wish upon her a lifetime of happiness and happy ever afters and I pray that God allows me to witness her every step of the way.