I don't know what is about today but at 12:42 p.m. I am seriously on the verge of a mini meltdown and we're only half way through the day. I know it's a combination of being pregnant, losing my job, not being with Addison, and realizing that we're moving but for crying out loud. I am sitting here blowing my nose and wiping away my tears with a freakin' Chipotle napkin that I had leftover from lunch today.
I am making myself sick wanting to be with Addison. We're so close to being together full time but yet we are so far away I am a complete emotional mess. Not to mention the raging morning sickness that I was suffering with this morning that I would much rather deal with in the comfort of my own home rather than at my place of employment in a public restroom. A week ago I was ok with not being at Addison's side day in a day out. I think it's because we didn't know any better and we knew me coming into work everyday was a way of life and that we just had to cope with it. But NOW...now that we know it isn't going to be our way of life it's heart wrenching to keep leaving her every morning. I wake up at 6:35 every morning, I change her diaper, feed her a bottle all while laying in our bed with her gently rubbing my face and talking sweet nothings into my ear. It takes every ounce of strength in my body to make myself get up and out of the bed to finish getting ready for work and not continue laying there with her in my arms. It pains me beyond words to call home nine hundred times a day and hear her in the background...to hear my husband say she is trying so hard to crawl but she just can't seem to master it...to hear her frustration in the background from the inability to move around like she wants so badly to do. My strength in coping is wavering as I lost count of how many times I contemplated sneaking out of here and wondering if my team lead would even notice.
I need my baby and I need her badly. I want to go home and tell her she will crawl in due time and I want to go home and praise her for every inch further she is able to move on her own. I want to go home and snack on her little toes and her chubby cheeks. I want to go home and wrestle with her during diaper changes and grin when I see the cute little baby butt that I now see every time we change a diaper because she wants to roll over instead. I want to go to the Doctor and get my nausea medication and I want to hear that this baby growing within me is a healthy viable baby just like they did last July when I was pregnant with Addison. I want to see this baby on the big screen and see it's little heart beat wildly in it's chest. I want to know if we're having a son or another gorgeous daughter. I want to feel this baby move all about in my tummy and I want it to be February already so that I can hold him or her in my arms. And then I realize I am not ready for it to be February yet because I don't want Addison to be a year old , I still want her to be my little baby who still needs me for everything. And I want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok, that everything happens for a reason, and that when one door closes another one opens, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, etc, etc., etc. And dammit I want someone to tell me to man up and quit your crying. For someone to tell me to perk up and get off of this path of negativity for crying out loud, and that if I don't knock it off I will turn into my own little episode of the "Young and the Restless" where we will all be confused and miserable because we can't keep track of who is divorced from whom, and who remarried who, and whose dead and whose not and why one day they have a two year old kid and now the kid has morphed into a 22 year old adult overnight and that just wouldn't be good...not good at all.
And at 1:21 I feel a little bit better now that I have gotten that off of my chest and soaked every last napkin I had left with my waterworks. And one things for sure...boy am I glad that I have Monday off for the 4th...I need that extra day and in case you were wondering...that will leave me with 37 days of being away from my baby buttercup. Lord have mercy on everyone reading my blog between now and then!